I grew up in a Christian home. My parents and extended family provided me with
many opportunities to learn about the God of the Bible. I am so grateful to have grown up in a country and family where I was free to learn about the Bible. When I was eight I remember watching a tel-evangelist all by myself and
realized that I was a sinner in need of a savior. And so I “asked Jesus into my
heart” (about 6 times because I wanted to be sure). I wish I had understood that once I trusted in His work on my behalf, it was done; my eternal future was secure and unmovable because of what Jesus did. My salvation is not dependent on anything I do or don’t do; it is a free gift, given by God. He just asks that we trust Him. His last words on the cross were, "It is finished."
I met my husband at a Calvary Chapel in Phoenix, Arizona. I didn't know that I was marrying a man that would take me around the world (literally)! I knew that he was a man of passion and He loved God and wanted to obey him. We got married in November 1992...this month we will be celebrating 20 years of marriage! It has been really hard sometimes in that God uses my husband in my life very often to get rid of my self-life. It's humbling. I remember one day I was so disappointed in myself because I had once again let him down and didn't really understand why because I was "trying so hard" to please him but felt I wasn't. I apologized and cried and told him that I was really trying. Then he said, "Stop trying, you can't do it". *gasp* SERIOUSLY!
In ’96 my husband joined the army and we moved about
7 times in 7 years! It was challenging,
but I also loved it. We weren’t involved
in church during those years. I would seek out women’s Bible studies,
but mostly I sought advice from Dr. Phil and Oprah.
Looking back I see how focused on self they are and I could never get it
right. I could never be the person I
wanted to be. I failed whenever I tried
(in my own strength) to apply their methods of getting my marriage right or
having higher self esteem so that I had confidence in myself. The highest self-esteem we will ever know is that which comes from our Creator, knowing who we are because of what He already did. I was at the end of my own
self-assertion. In our lives whenever
God shows us how weak we are, it is a blessing in disguise. When we feel our need of Him, it is just the
place He wants us. He is able to work
amazing things through a life that is surrendered and relies on His source of
strength.
God is faithful and will show us
where ‘self’ is hiding. It does not feel
good when He uses your husband to show you.
Ouch! Embarrassing! Self wants glory and wants to be ministered
to; “You are such a good wife”, “I am so blessed to have you.” God purposefully
brings experiences to us so that we will see traits that stink of self. He is faithful to train and teach and when He
does, thank Him.
2 Corinthians 12:9-12 “Each time He said, “My
grace is all you need. My power works
best in weakness.” So now I am glad to
boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through
me. That’s why I take pleasure in my
weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I
suffer for Christ. For when I am weak,
then I am strong.”
Don’t let the enemy discourage you
because of your weaknesses! God uses our
weaknesses for His good. I was shown the stink of self through my
husband. I cannot love my husband in and
of myself. Only Christ in me enables me
to love and respect him the way I should, the way he needs.
In my thinking I thought since I
have been doing my “best” to love my husband and it wasn’t working I just gave
up, thought this isn’t worth it.
I was
so proud.
I had thoughts like, “He is so
lucky to have me.
I submit, I follow him
where he goes.
I am his completer and he
should be cherishing me and then it will be easier to love him”.
That reeks of self!!
My “in Adam” nature wanted to be in control
and responsible for doing the loving (respecting).
It feels good to do a good job!
Stroke my ego, if you would.
During that time I read over and
over again chapter 16 ‘Help’ in the book ‘The Complete Green Letters’. I had to keep reading it because it was so
true and I wanted to own it. On page 66 Watchman Nee writes:
“God’s way of
deliverance is altogether different from man’s way. Man’s way is to try to suppress sin by
seeking to overcome it; God’s way is to remove the sinner. Many Christians mourn over their weakness,
thinking that if only they were stronger all would be well. The idea that, because failure to lead a holy
life is due to our impotence, something more is therefore demanded of us, leads
naturally to this false conception of the way of deliverance. If we are preoccupied with the power of sin
and with our inability to meet it, then we naturally conclude that to gain the
victory over sin we must have more power.
“‘If only I were stronger,’ we say, ‘I could overcome my violent
outbursts of temper,’ and so we plead with the Lord to strengthen us that we
may exercise more self-control. But this
is altogether wrong; this is not Christianity.
God’s means of delivering us from sin is not by making us stronger and
stronger, but by making us weaker and weaker.
This is surely a peculiar way of victory, you say; but it is the divine
way. God sets us free from the dominion
of sin, not by strengthening our old man but by crucifying him; not by helping him to do anything but by
removing him from the scene of action.”
God himself will perfect His work in us (Phil. 1:6).”
