Obedience is Hard

Journal entry from early 2011: 

         "Heaven on earth:  That is how I feel about my living situation right now.  I love where I live.  I am so very comfortable and secure in my life right now.

          The end of 2010, God was moving us to "Go" once again.  I was in a panic!!! I wanted to run away (remember Jonah?  I was about to run in to the belly of a big fish!).  I did not want any more change going on in my life!  I had had quite enough.  In our 19 years of marriage we have lived in 6 different states and in Russia, South Korea and Senegal. That is a whole lot of change!  I WAS DONE!  We were living in the suburbs of Phoenix in a nice house with a pool in the backyard.  This was where I was going to be living for a long time!  The kids would have roots here and have good friends and be involved in sports and graduate high school with their childhood friends.  We were absolutely living ‘The American Dream’!

            My husband, Mr. Extreme, felt God was saying we need to not just be praying about going back to Senegal; we must be open to go wherever He is leading.  I didn’t want to hear that!  I want to go back to what is familiar and not be stretched any more than necessary.  Mr. Extreme started to research how he could make money living overseas and where the best opportunities were.  God was pointing him to Asia.            

            I really couldn’t believe that we were actually considering Asia.  No way!  But God…No, please no…I can’t learn another language…I don’t want to learn it…why ANOTHER country?  Haven’t I been to enough?  I can’t weather this…this is too much…okay, just get me there…and let me die THERE!  I don’t want to have to experience the in-between stages of saying good-bye to family and friends, giving up the house, the dogs, and all of our stuff.  I don’t want to watch my kids leave this place, they have finally settled somewhere comfortable and secure.  They have moved too much, oh please, NO!  And in all of that I hear that still quiet, serene voice saying,

“It will be okay, this is what I want for you and I will be with you.  See, I am already changing the hearts of your children; I love them more than you do.  Believe my word and obey it.  I know you love me and want to do what I say.  You will be okay.  Even though people around you think you are crazy and unstable and shouldn’t do this to your kids, I say it is exactly what I want you to be doing.  Don’t care about what they think, care about what I think."

Galatians 1:10 “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God.  If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

God speaks again,so tenderly..."All of these good things you love about your life right now…just wait!  It is only a glimpse of what eternity will be like with me.  Your life is but a breath, a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow."

Psalm 39:5 “You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.  My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.”

James 4:13-17 “Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit.”  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.  What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.  Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”

Isaiah 40:6,7  “Shout that people are like the grass.  Their beauty fades as quickly as the flowers in a field.  The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord.  And so it is with people.  The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.”

Again I hear that small comforting voice, “You will have an eternity with me and it will be very good.  What you suffer here is for your good and my glory.  I am conforming you to the image of my son and yes it will be painful at times but I am here and I love you and will never let go of you.  It will be okay, you believe me and obey and that is what you are supposed to do.” 

Psalm 103:13-1  “The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.  For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.  Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.  The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here.  But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him.  His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!”

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            A few weeks of wrestling over this with God passed, I came across something my cousin’s wife posted on Facebook.  She had read a book called, ‘Radical’ by David Platt and commented on it.  The book is about taking back your faith from the American dream.  Mr. Extreme ordered it online and we got it a week later.  He read it quickly and then I started.  I didn’t want to because I am thinking…Ignorance is bliss ;)  I didn’t want to be challenged or convicted.  I did start reading it because I was curious, if anything it will be confirmed that the direction we are heading is right and Biblical.  I have already discovered this in the Bible so I don’t know why I needed a book written by a man to confirm?  It makes it more palatable when there are others believing and doing the same thing.  I really did need a cheerleader.  I know what I must do but it just seems too hard.  I found myself telling people that if I didn’t go I was being disobedient.  After those words came out of my mouth I couldn’t believe I was saying them.  The spirit is willing but my flesh is so terribly weak!  With any step of faith there is fear to some degree with me."

                   Here is to hoping that my obedience to God doesn't always look like this: