Obedience is Hard

Journal entry from early 2011: 

         "Heaven on earth:  That is how I feel about my living situation right now.  I love where I live.  I am so very comfortable and secure in my life right now.

          The end of 2010, God was moving us to "Go" once again.  I was in a panic!!! I wanted to run away (remember Jonah?  I was about to run in to the belly of a big fish!).  I did not want any more change going on in my life!  I had had quite enough.  In our 19 years of marriage we have lived in 6 different states and in Russia, South Korea and Senegal. That is a whole lot of change!  I WAS DONE!  We were living in the suburbs of Phoenix in a nice house with a pool in the backyard.  This was where I was going to be living for a long time!  The kids would have roots here and have good friends and be involved in sports and graduate high school with their childhood friends.  We were absolutely living ‘The American Dream’!

            My husband, Mr. Extreme, felt God was saying we need to not just be praying about going back to Senegal; we must be open to go wherever He is leading.  I didn’t want to hear that!  I want to go back to what is familiar and not be stretched any more than necessary.  Mr. Extreme started to research how he could make money living overseas and where the best opportunities were.  God was pointing him to Asia.            

            I really couldn’t believe that we were actually considering Asia.  No way!  But God…No, please no…I can’t learn another language…I don’t want to learn it…why ANOTHER country?  Haven’t I been to enough?  I can’t weather this…this is too much…okay, just get me there…and let me die THERE!  I don’t want to have to experience the in-between stages of saying good-bye to family and friends, giving up the house, the dogs, and all of our stuff.  I don’t want to watch my kids leave this place, they have finally settled somewhere comfortable and secure.  They have moved too much, oh please, NO!  And in all of that I hear that still quiet, serene voice saying,

“It will be okay, this is what I want for you and I will be with you.  See, I am already changing the hearts of your children; I love them more than you do.  Believe my word and obey it.  I know you love me and want to do what I say.  You will be okay.  Even though people around you think you are crazy and unstable and shouldn’t do this to your kids, I say it is exactly what I want you to be doing.  Don’t care about what they think, care about what I think."

Galatians 1:10 “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God.  If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

God speaks again,so tenderly..."All of these good things you love about your life right now…just wait!  It is only a glimpse of what eternity will be like with me.  Your life is but a breath, a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow."

Psalm 39:5 “You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.  My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.”

James 4:13-17 “Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit.”  How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow?  Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.  What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.  Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”

Isaiah 40:6,7  “Shout that people are like the grass.  Their beauty fades as quickly as the flowers in a field.  The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord.  And so it is with people.  The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.”

Again I hear that small comforting voice, “You will have an eternity with me and it will be very good.  What you suffer here is for your good and my glory.  I am conforming you to the image of my son and yes it will be painful at times but I am here and I love you and will never let go of you.  It will be okay, you believe me and obey and that is what you are supposed to do.” 

Psalm 103:13-1  “The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.  For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.  Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die.  The wind blows, and we are gone—as though we had never been here.  But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him.  His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!”

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            A few weeks of wrestling over this with God passed, I came across something my cousin’s wife posted on Facebook.  She had read a book called, ‘Radical’ by David Platt and commented on it.  The book is about taking back your faith from the American dream.  Mr. Extreme ordered it online and we got it a week later.  He read it quickly and then I started.  I didn’t want to because I am thinking…Ignorance is bliss ;)  I didn’t want to be challenged or convicted.  I did start reading it because I was curious, if anything it will be confirmed that the direction we are heading is right and Biblical.  I have already discovered this in the Bible so I don’t know why I needed a book written by a man to confirm?  It makes it more palatable when there are others believing and doing the same thing.  I really did need a cheerleader.  I know what I must do but it just seems too hard.  I found myself telling people that if I didn’t go I was being disobedient.  After those words came out of my mouth I couldn’t believe I was saying them.  The spirit is willing but my flesh is so terribly weak!  With any step of faith there is fear to some degree with me."

                   Here is to hoping that my obedience to God doesn't always look like this:

Behold Him

There was a time when I made this switch in my mind to stop looking inward.  I was so occupied with what I was doing; praying, reading the Bible; devotions; going to church; fasting; reacting to others the way that I should; doing everything I could to be close to the God of the universe.  I could never be as devoted and committed as those I was comparing myself to.  I felt pressure to be better.  Jesus is our example:  He was fully dependent on God.  He did everything, by doing nothing.  It was God doing it through Him.

I will never feel down on myself if I am gazing at Jesus and trusting in all that Christ already did for me. Sweet release!  Amazing freedom!

What does it mean to behold?  To gaze upon; to fix the eyes upon; to see with attention; to observe with care.

A few of my favorite quotes are:  "Glance at men, Gaze at Jesus".  

and

“If I am to be like Him, then God in His grace must do it, and the sooner I come to recognize it the sooner I will be delivered from another form of bondage.  Throw down every endeavor and say, ‘I cannot do it, the more I try the farther I get from His likeness.  What shall I do?’  Ah, the Holy Spirit says, ‘You cannot do it; just withdraw; come out of it.  You have been in the arena, you have been endeavoring, you are a failure, come out and sit down, and as you sit there BEHOLD HIM, look at Him.  Don’t try to be like Him, just look at Him.  Just be occupied with Him.  Forget about trying to be like Him.  Instead of letting that fill your mind and heart let Him fill it.  Just BEHOLD HIM, look upon Him through the Word.  Come to the Word for one purpose and that is to meet the Lord.  Not to get your mind crammed full of things about the sacred Word, but come to it to meet the Lord.  Make it to be a medium, not of Biblical scholarship, but of fellowship with Christ.  BEHOLD THE LORD.”

                                                                                    --Norman Douty 

If I am a failure then He makes me wildly successful!

It is Finished

       I grew up in a Christian home.  My parents and extended family provided me with many opportunities to learn about the God of the Bible.  I am so grateful to have grown up in a country and family where I was free to learn about the Bible.  When I was eight I remember watching a tel-evangelist all by myself and realized that I was a sinner in need of a savior.  And so I “asked Jesus into my heart” (about 6 times because I wanted to be sure).  I wish I had understood that once I trusted in His work on my behalf, it was done; my eternal future was secure and unmovable because of what Jesus did. My salvation is not dependent on anything I do or don’t do; it is a free gift, given by God. He just asks that we trust Him. His last words on the cross were, "It is finished."

         I met my husband at a Calvary Chapel in Phoenix, Arizona.  I didn't know that I was marrying a man that would take me around the world (literally)!  I knew that he was a man of passion and He loved God and wanted to obey him.  We got married in November 1992...this month we will be celebrating 20 years of marriage!  It has been really hard sometimes in that God uses my husband in my life very often to get rid of my self-life.  It's humbling.  I remember one day I was so disappointed in myself because I had once again let him down and didn't really understand why because I was "trying so hard" to please him but felt I wasn't.  I apologized and cried and told him that I was really trying.  Then he said, "Stop trying, you can't do it".  *gasp*  SERIOUSLY! 

  

In ’96 my husband joined the army and we moved about 7 times in 7 years!  It was challenging, but I also loved it.  We weren’t involved in church during those years. I would seek out women’s Bible studies, but mostly I sought advice from Dr. Phil and Oprah.  Looking back I see how focused on self they are and I could never get it right.  I could never be the person I wanted to be.  I failed whenever I tried (in my own strength) to apply their methods of getting my marriage right or having higher self esteem so that I had confidence in myself.  The highest self-esteem we will ever know is that which comes from our Creator, knowing who we are because of what He already did.  I was at the end of my own self-assertion.  In our lives whenever God shows us how weak we are, it is a blessing in disguise.  When we feel our need of Him, it is just the place He wants us.  He is able to work amazing things through a life that is surrendered and relies on His source of strength.  

God is faithful and will show us where ‘self’ is hiding.  It does not feel good when He uses your husband to show you.  Ouch!  Embarrassing!  Self wants glory and wants to be ministered to; “You are such a good wife”, “I am so blessed to have you.” God purposefully brings experiences to us so that we will see traits that stink of self.  He is faithful to train and teach and when He does, thank Him.

2 Corinthians 12:9-12 “Each time He said, “My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 
 

Don’t let the enemy discourage you because of your weaknesses!  God uses our weaknesses for His good.   I was shown the stink of self through my husband.  I cannot love my husband in and of myself.  Only Christ in me enables me to love and respect him the way I should, the way he needs.    

In my thinking I thought since I have been doing my “best” to love my husband and it wasn’t working I just gave up, thought this isn’t worth it.  I was so proud.  I had thoughts like, “He is so lucky to have me.  I submit, I follow him where he goes.  I am his completer and he should be cherishing me and then it will be easier to love him”.  That reeks of self!!  My “in Adam” nature wanted to be in control and responsible for doing the loving (respecting).  It feels good to do a good job!  Stroke my ego, if you would.

During that time I read over and over again chapter 16 ‘Help’ in the book ‘The Complete Green Letters’.  I had to keep reading it because it was so true and I wanted to own it.  On page 66 Watchman Nee writes:

        “God’s way of deliverance is altogether different from man’s way.  Man’s way is to try to suppress sin by seeking to overcome it; God’s way is to remove the sinner.  Many Christians mourn over their weakness, thinking that if only they were stronger all would be well.  The idea that, because failure to lead a holy life is due to our impotence, something more is therefore demanded of us, leads naturally to this false conception of the way of deliverance.  If we are preoccupied with the power of sin and with our inability to meet it, then we naturally conclude that to gain the victory over sin we must have more power.

“‘If only I were stronger,’ we say, ‘I could overcome my violent outbursts of temper,’ and so we plead with the Lord to strengthen us that we may exercise more self-control.  But this is altogether wrong; this is not Christianity.  God’s means of delivering us from sin is not by making us stronger and stronger, but by making us weaker and weaker.  This is surely a peculiar way of victory, you say; but it is the divine way.  God sets us free from the dominion of sin, not by strengthening our old man but by crucifying him;  not by helping him to do anything but by removing him from the scene of action.”  God himself will perfect His work in us (Phil. 1:6).”

 




 

Get ME Outta the Way!

I started writing this in the spring of 2011.  I was in pursuit to put in to words what I was feeling and learning as I held on to the truth of God's word.  So often my feelings and attitudes do not line up with my actual beliefs.  My hope is that as I mature spiritually, they will line up.  It is painstaking to act in complete opposition of self.

Have you heard  the saying, "Die to Self"? Jesus says in Matthew 16: 24-25, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.  But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it."   He knows us so well and knows how hard it will be for us to turn from our selfish ways.  And so he tells us plainly and simply; 'turn from your selfish ways' and 'give up your life'.  This simply means to seek God first and obey and put yourself out there to love and care for others.

We live in a world where we are taught and encouraged to live for self and told that YOU are strong and YOU can do it!  God won't give YOU anything YOU can't handle (He gives me things I can't handle ALL the time).  It's no wonder so many of us feel like failures and have self-esteem issues.  We aren't capable of being "good" as society would have us believe we are.

 

I am slowly learning to understand what it means to "die to self".  I really do love myself.  I am self-righteous.  I wonder if for this very reason God commands us to go and make disciples of all nations and also to care for orphans and widows and to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strength and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. I believe commanding us to take the focus off of ourselves and put it on others, he's telling us this is how to "die to self".  The more self-less we are the less selfish we actually become.

The first time I ever REALLY felt like, "Oh wow, I really need to be selfless here!" was after my first son was born.  It was a rude awakening.  He rocked my world.  I couldn't just think about myself anymore.  I had to be aware of when he needed to be fed and changed.  He interrupted my sleep and then the next day I would be so tired and still had to be aware of his needs.  I desired to meet everyone of his needs and I had to make a conscience effort to do so.

Another way I am learning is in marriage.  How can I love a man who has made himself nothing in order to obey God?  I can't.  I am looking for him to fill my needs far more than I am looking to fulfill his.  He was previously a police officer and like he said, "It is easier to love a man in uniform".  It sounds so shallow, but painfully true.

Now that I have teenagers I have moments of saying, "I can't".  And I am sure they are saying, "How can I love and honor my parents when they are driving me crazy?"  They can't.

Every choice of obedience to God's word...I am willing and I choose but I can't actually do it.

My greatest HOPE is that GOD CAN and all this time He has been trying to get ME out of the way so that it is Him exactly living through me and loving those around me!

He knows that Me is entrenched in Me and He has brilliant ways of getting Me out of the way so that He can be up front.  He should always be in front of Me...Get me outta the way!

And so this is my journey...